feels like forever

so thinking of the year coming to an end, i was inspired to think about bands that i really loved this year, ones that were my creative force for so many months. the only thing is that it wont be primarily bands with albums that were released in 09, more like, a year in music for me.

1. has to be AFI. certainly my most anticipated album of the year. more like 3 years in the making. i have mixed opinions, the first ultimately being excitement to find some really honest songs on the album. it surpasses DU, falls short of STS, but that was to be expected. a high point was seeing them on tour in october, definately sung my lungs out that night. Highlights from the album are: Torch Song, Veronica Sawyer Smokes, Ok I Feel Better Now, and It was Mine. Also, the B-Sides floored me, especially Fainting Spells and Breathing Towers to Heaven. Daveys voice haunts me on that last one. moving on...

2.my most played song for this year was (shockingly) Anberlin's "Unwinding Cable Car". The soft guitars and soothing vocals were on repeat for a good portion of one of my chapters.

3.White Lies' full length "To Lose My Life", this is an album i will listen from front to back without skipping anything. the descriptive lyrics really stand out for me. this is one band that my husband also likes...thats a rarity! Saw them at Lollapalooza this year, worth the rain and people and backed up port-a-pottys.

4.Keane. All albums, but mostly Hopes and Fears. i surprised myself with this group. i didnt think i could get into them, but it seemed to help me get through some dark emotional stuff that was happening in my life earlier this year.

5. Explosions in the Sky's : The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place........leaves me speechless. listen to it on headphones for the full effect. Especially "Your Hand In Mine".

6.Found some bands that i love this year: IAMX, The Presets, Machines of Loving Grace (old, i know), also some electronic bands that i listen to over and over. Pendulum's 'Granite', and Goose's 'Black Gloves', Prodigy's 'Warrior Dance', Hybrid's 'I Choose Noise', were much enjoyed.

7. This was my year for THE SMITHS and MORRISSEY. How i never picked them/him up in high school i'll never know. i'm slightly more enamored with the Smith's, however, Morrissey can pack an auditorium full of beautiful people. saw him in April.

8. The Queen Killing Kings "Tidal Eyes" Album was another favorite.

9. My PUNK roots...were revived by old school albums like Rancid's, And Out Come the Wolves, MXPX's Teenage Politics, Operation Ivy's Energy (god, i love Yellin in My Ear), and The Invalids's 'Out of My Head'.

10. Albums i wasnt waiting on, but love. Mesh's A Perfect Solution (stand outs are Is it So Hard, Only Better, Who Says, The Bitter End). And Assemblage 23's Compass. (favorites are : Impermanence, How Can You Sleep, Alive, Spark, Grind, and the EP's Helicopter Girl)

Waiting on 30 sec to Mars on 12/8, I would love to see them live.

.....

lots going on lately.

ive been enjoying Assemblage 23's newest, favorites off that are "Impermanence" "Alive" "Grind" and "The Cruelest Year". BLAQK AUDIO did a remix of "Spark", its on the EP. It look me awhile to really like it tho :(. I liked the original better.

Mesh has a new album coming out tomorrow. I d/l two songs from Dead By Sunrise. God, I love Chester's voice. So much better without the rap from Linkin Park. I found out he has 4 kids....welcome to the club, friend.

Halloween was filled with candy, an allergic reaction to the face paint, and more candy.

Ive been feverishly working on the writing, approaching 330 pages. half of me feels like it should be burned b/c it is crap, and the other, smaller percentage thinks it may the the best thing ive ever written. i passed the year mark...and i'm still going. my only goal when i started it was to stick with it to finish. its taking longer than i expected, but i have to work around work and kids and chaos to get it done.

g/g/

paint, leaves and disarray

dont know if i spelled disarray right. i suppose i could have googled it or something, but im feeling lazy.

scraping, sanding and repainting living room woodwork in prep for painting the walls. yeah, i know, real interesting. the house is a disaster, and for once, im not frantically cleaning.

finally, a say i didnt have to work that was actually nice. went out and took some pictures of the trees and whatnot..hope they turn out good. we'll see, i havent uploaded them yet.

ALSO!! MESH (UK) has a new album dropping on friday, which im super excited for. i got the EP today, three songs and two mixes. got to say, cant get enough of them. i want their tour dvd, though i dont know if it will play in my US dvd player.

anyway.......................................thats it. thrilling, isnt it?

cmon, morning star?

so what, afi is now going to play every song i ever wanted to hear live, precisely at all the shows i can't go to?

morning star and no poetic device were played last night. i feel deprived.

if they play the interview in this tour, i might die.

the queen killing kings

i love when i find new music. this time, its The Queen Killing King's album Tidal Eyes. I went through a process where i downloaded one song, then went back and got 3 more, then 2 more, then d/l the whole thing.

listen to : This Night, Like Lions, and Naked in the Rain.

so my only complaint is that they say the word "bones" in like 4 of the songs. but, then, afi sings "remain / remains " repeatedly, record after record, and i eat it up like wedding cake.

rain. laundry. editing. disturbing dreams last night. anyway.

more pics

afi plays columbus

so no new furnace. new carbon monoxide detectors. but that is of little importance to me at the moment.

we drove to columbus last night to see AFI........and as always they delivered an awesome show, they never do disappoint, do they? although, Davey sort of looked like a really thin wolverine with the new hair.

amazing amazing. i shot some video and took stills from it since all the actual pictures turned out like crap, except for the one above. ill post some more here in a minute. my mind is still reeling from it all. last time we saw them was Summerfest 2007.

cold....

as luck would have it, something is f*cked up with my furnace. really? really!?

as if i havent shown my house enough attention this year by purchasing it a new roof, hot water tank, kitchen pipes, and fridge. wtf? oh yeah, we also have the new van sitting in our driveway.

its a shit storm, i tell you. if i have to replace the furnace, i swear im not moving until i can make the money back on this house that we've put into it.

fuck.....

"who will sing my name, so sang the flame that gave my name?" too late for gods, afi

crash love. early.

somehow i got my hands on afi's crash love album saturday. not that i hadnt been obsessively listening to it since they posted all the songs on their myspace.

anyway. stand outs for me are: End Transmission; Veronica Sawyer Smokes, Ok, I feel Better Now, and It was Mine. The b-sides are pretty good too. Fainting Spells is impressive...and i love 100 words...(although the lyrics left something to be desired, the guitar in the beginning makes up for it)

seeing them sunday....so excited.

off to write.

5 months later....

5 months later finds me in a much better head space. things have been resolved. i have crazy expensive doctor bills telling me that i'm in perfect health. so its all mental! sweet.

i survived the summer, but just barely. i am one of those people that needs their space, on pretty much a daily basis.

so i am planning on diving back into the writing, which has taken a backseat to school starting and potty training. eager to revise and rewrite. book 2 is mulling around in my head.

ive been asking myself exactly what is the point of putting all this energy into something that will never be published, never be read except by me and maybe one other person, and ive come to the conclusion that the point is that it is something i NEED to do. i NEED to write this story, need to create and imagine and live in another world sometimes. i feel cranky and irritated when i don't write, when i dont get out all the stuff in my brain. so anyway....

listening to : End Transmission....from the new afi record...which is sure to be a wealth of inspiration.

back and in full effect

so. its been awhile. lots of things going on, and i need not go into it.

anyway. i am getting excited for warmer weather, but not to school letting out.

i am looking for a new title for When Stars Go Out....something moth related...which sounds weird, but isnt.

listening to The Daylights "Boy on the Moon"

Keane's Hopes and Fears Album

and just generally trying to stay afloat these days. an afi album would really help. or not. i have mixed feelings on it. someone wrote somewhere that Sing the Sorrow was the last honest album they made and i am afraid to believe that, although i do agree to an extent, which sucks.

more later. maybe.

aside from recent emotional catastrophe's and fallout, i have managed to write 16 pages.

its been Your Vegas' A town and two cities album, White Lies- To Lose My Life thats been dominating the ipod. I have thrown some AFI Decemberunderground on there though, and some of Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel.

I had my hair dyed again today. I went alot darker, which i am happy with.

I caved to the pop culture phenomenon and watched Twilight this weekend. Now, i read the first book in 2006, after i was trapped at home with a new baby and three small kids. I loved the first two books, and then just read the last two in order to finish the series. That being said, i did like the movie. I thought the character choices were pretty spot on, except for Nikki Reed as Rosalie. I just cant like Nikki Reed for some reason, and Edward only gave two distinct looks throughout the whole movie. What i thought the coolest, was the intimate scenes, and the fact that someone had actually taken this book and stayed true to it.

It has to be the coolest thing to see something from your imagination come to life on the screen, pretty much as you imagined it in your own head. Someday.....(i can dream)

We were going to go to the Contemporary Art Museum today until we realized it is closed on Mondays :(. We went to a massive candy store instead, and i bought Charleston Chews. I love those!!

falling apart

things are falling apart right now. things have been said and i'm pretty sure there is no going back. im just trying to figure out which was is forward at this point.

listening to: White Lies: Nothing to Give
and Your Vegas: Birds of Paradise

also. its a possibility that Morrissey will not being happening. i dont know if i care. i dont know if i care about anything.

breathing

so. run to your nearest music store, or plug in your ipod and d/l the White Lies album. I d/l yesterday, on the release date and i can't stop listening to it. And i am not the one to be into alot of UK bands, but this one's a keeper. Listen to : Fifty on our Foreheads, From the Stars, To Lose My Life....okay, really any song on the album.

so this week, i have learned that i do not have oral cancer (yay for me). I am in the process of drawing up a will and power of attorney (at the specific direction of my mom, who has been bothering me about it for at least a year now). it kind of sucks when you realize there is really no one you can entrust to carry out your wishes exactly the way you want them to. its been difficult. i am doing it with the thought that i will not be dying any time soon. :).

also, i went to the bookstore and picked up some books. i just love books. music and books. i remember when i was little i would copy stories out of books and pretend i had written them. i was probably 7 or so then.

i checked my flash drive which hold all of my writing, and i realized i hadnt written since 2/15. its been hectic around here, with sickness and whatnot. so i jumped back in and am trying to just get going with the hopes that i'll get inspired and get 30 more pages.

hmm. someone needs to make a photobook of Victorian Houses. Another thing i love. Someday, i will live in a huge victorian house with crown molding and a window seat and a stained glass window. it. will. happen.

i actually went for a walk yesterday. it felt so good to be outside, to just breathe air and walk. and i am not really an outdoorsy person. i mean i dont dislike it, but i'd rather be inside i guess. after i get my victorian house, i want a big yard away from everyone else so i can continue to live in my little bubble. untouchable.

im rambling. bye........

painting is relaxing

i like to paint. not artistically, per se. like as in painting the woodwork in my dining room. its relaxing. and yeah, if i had the time to paint things other than walls and such, would. i'm just going to say its not going to be any good.

i think ive probably spent at least 350.00 on doctor visits in the last month. yeay for me. thats with the insurance too. winter sucks.

in other news, the Morrissey concert is coming up. yay! i plan on devoting a week to him prior to the concert in preparation. cant be singing the wrong lyrics, now.

feeling better

im feeling a bit better. a couple of things....

1. E.S.T was finally released by itunes...its a song by White Lies. It feels like ive been waiting for forever.

2. AP Mag finally put some interesting new bands to watch in April's issue.
1. Pendulum- loud electronic rock with spare vocals and a big wake me up attitude. Listen to: Granite or Blood Sugar. prepare to be blown away.

2. (The) Delta Fiasco- UK band, reminds me a little of a louder VHS or Beta, love the upbeat songs. yay for me. music always makes me feel good. listen to : Death Letters or Paperhouse Remix.

i'm making another photo book on shutterfly for inspiration.....shhhhhh.

i'm throwing my arms around Paris

yeah, i wish. just listening to the new Morrissey

cd. my dog is chewing at the leash that i have hooked around my foot.

work sucked last night. i think i am just too slow. maybe i am just too concerned about making everything right, and therefore take too much time checking and rechecking, and in the process forgetting other important things. whatever.

its fun to be accused of going out on the town when youre sitting in front of a computer at 1am. right?

the above pictures are Camille Rose Garcia's. I'm loving my new books.

yeah so

its been ages since ive posted. its feels like ages since i have written also. sickness hit us hard and we're still breaking free. issues that were buried have since come to light again. i always think i am so good at locking things up in tiny boxes and not dealing with them but the truth is, thats all i do. i put them away and dont think about it. it helps for the moment, but doesnt change the truth. i was reminded yesterday how good i can be at becoming completely numb, like nothing can touch me. its all bullshit, really- the question is actually how long can i prolong the inevitable, because i have known nothing else for the last 8 years. somethings gotta give, and things need to be said, but there are some words that i will never let come from my mouth, because once they are out, everything changes. there will be no going back. i am not ready for that right now.

i realize that is extremely vague, but i dont feel like directly putting my personal life into this blog right now, at least not in details.

i watched "The Wackness" lOOOOOOOooOOOoooOOOooOOoved it.

in other news, i have not been listening to much music, so thats contributing to my dismal mood.

dm new album...wtf?

so my husband was on itunes last night and was like, hey they have this depeche mode thing on here. and i was like "yeah, i probably have all those songs, though." so this am i jumped on the tunes to look for something else (tenek's album) and i see this ad for a new dm album?? WTF? Its called Songs of the Universe and its being released on 4-21-09.

I think this is going to be the best year for music! YAY!
(ex:)
the new Morrissey album is out

DM in april

AFI coming soon i hope. i am hoping for a summer tour. that'd be awesome.

anyway. off to the grocery. should be all around fun times, espcially when i get to take a 2.5 yr old along. you should try it. by the end, i feel like having a tantrum too.

yeah, and by the way, LOST sucked last night! :(

l word

are we seeing a pattern emerging here?

(see below)

strangelove

listening to strangelove by dm. i love this song. anyway.

my 7 yr old told me he felt dead inside the other day. it was in reference to not being able to find one of his video games. it startled me since, where the hell could he have heard that? it occured to me that he truely could have felt that way and was just articulate enough to express it. that is sort of scary for me, since i have had many times in my life when i've felt just that- dead inside.

i watched a movie called "No Night is Too Long". I dvd'r'd it and i missed the end..........ugh. it stopped taping like 30 min before the ending. the character Tim (Lee Williams- see left) stuck with me for somereason, i'm sure you'll see why. he reminds me of someone, although i dont know if it is someone actually know/knew or its another actor. anyway. heres a perfect example of the androgyny i enjoy.

OooOOOoooOOooOOooOo

1. camille rose garcia. you should check her art out. its pretty cool, i ordered a book from amazon.com so i am eagerly awaiting the mail.

2. i found a book called "11,200 things to be miserable about". its halarious. here are a few examples. "visible panty lines, hair on the soap, fires preceded by the word great, jeans in august, verbal lashings, jackrabbit sex, and realizing you dont like any of your friends". the book is literally a list of items. it gave me a much needed laugh.

3. went flower girl dress shopping for my brothers wedding. its so nice that i had little to no decisions to make about my own wedding 7 years ago. no really. so much drama for one single day that you will be paying the bills on for the next 10 years. for what?

anyway, so much more to write, but must get in the shower.

updates and whatnot.

1. got in touch with an old friend. well, not old, but someone i havent talked to in a year or so. we went to highschool together, and generally waxed poetic about life, time and space. so anyway, i feel like she is one of the only people who might understand how i feel sometimes. i know she feels it too. i plan on writing her some snail mail when my thoughts are better organized. i made her a mix of songs from back then, a very random gathering of songs...but she will remember and appreciate them i am sure. for example,
Cornflake girl by Tori Amos
Root Down by Beastie Boys
My Sharona by The Knack
Add it Up by Violent Femmes
Maryjane by Rick James
Imagine by John Lennon
The Drugs Dont Work by The Verve

2. this week has been consumed by sickness and gloom. some of it my own doing, some not.

3.I watched American Teen. I havent had enough time to ponder it yet. I did like it, though.

4. Listening now: The Hungry Ghost

ghosts on the radio.

94468 is the word count now. ive written 36 pages this week. its going smoothly i suppose, yet with the addition of the new circumstance i am going to have to go back and re-edit the first 6 ch'.s. i write about this as if it will ever see the light of day, when it probably wont. but thats not the point really. i'm writing it for me, not for anyone else. its something i would want to read, there are characters i would like to know, ect. i guess if you cant find what you're looking for, you create it, right?

anyway. ghosts on the radio. one of the reviewers for the album wrote that they sounded like a mix of the cure, depeche mode and muse, and i was sold. i mean, how could that be a bad combination? turns out its not.

the album has 13 songs, and i really like 7 of them.

Halloween girl- this starts with a great guitar sound that slowly distorts over to electronic sound. actually, the beginning reminds me of a red hot chili peppers song, which is weird. later the heavy guitar riffs make me want to crank the volume.

Black- this song also starts with a very familiar sound, although i havent pinned it down yet. it makes me want to cry. the vocals remind me of Ville Vallo through the first line. the melody is suffocatingly sad. i love it.

Whore- this is one of the songs that reminds me of muse, its the voice i guess. i dont really love the lyrics, but its easy to sing to.

Standing on the Edge- first what i like about this song is the slide of guitar strings in the beginning. i love hearing that. its pretty much the song i dont hate the most if that makes sense.

Lovely- its simply that, 3:13 minutes of loveliness. it is light and alluring and the voice is clear and sweetly even.

The Moment-this conjures images of waking up with soft light filtering in through the windows. random yes, but this is such a love song.

Lovelight- this is by FAR my favorite song off the album. this also reminds me of another song, another melody, but it is lost on me now. the guitar reminds of eric clapton, especially in the end (starting at 2:31) and i dont think anyone will understand how it makes me feel. i dont even really, but it makes me feel sad and whole and golden and sort of hopeful. this is the sort of song that rips me up inside.

i am so glad no one actually reads this. i sound like such a tool. :P

anyway, today its work and the beginnings of what i think is bronchitis. oh yeah, its Valentines day too, and my mom's birthday.

this train of thought....

so i was laying on my couch today nursing a massive headache, and i thought i'd share my random train of thought with you. here goes....

my son was watching the cartoon Wow Wow Wubzy, and i thought, WOW i love this show. its so colorful and round and just...happy.

and then i thought about what other cartoons i love, and why i am so obsessed with anything colorful. i thought- hello!? rainbow brite, since i am an 80's kid.

so then i thought, yeah, remember when used to wear rainbow stuff all the time? (seriously, i had like, socks, belt, bag, arm glove things, shoelaces, i even made a pair of jeans and a pair of black pants with rainbow panels. my parents once asked me if i was gay.

which then lead me to think, did every one think i was gay? the answer doesnt bother me. just wondering.

then i thought, well i did have a girl-crush on this girl in highschool. i think only one person knows about that one. btw, she was 3 years younger than me, i never spoke one word to her.

so then i thought, do straight people have same sex crushes? not just people they think are attractive or people they wish they looked like or were like...people they actually have weird and misdirected feelings for?

see? this is proof that people find me too random. i find myself too random at times, but its better not to question, and just go with it.

suppose by secondhand serenade.

its ok that we're dying...

more anberlin and writing and questioning my intents this morning. off to work tonight. ugh. can i say that again. ugh.

the check engine light in my car was blinking today. i looked it up in the manual. it says something like "catastophic failure imminent". nice. figures that once we pay off the loan it is going to crap out.

detour

ive written like 13 or 14 pages today, and ive suddenly taken a major detour off the main trail. i'm letting myself write it though, letting the muse take me where she apparently wants to go. i guess i can scrap it later if it doesnt work out. actually, i'm much more afraid that this it THE idea for the book, and that the previous 199 pages are not going to work. most of it will, but its just weird to have this happen now. so, like i said (wrote) im going to just keep going and get it out. i just have to remind myself that all i want to do is get it finished this year, and i have 10.5 more months to do just that, or less actually, b/c when summer comes i dont get to write much. too much going on. in the winter i can sit at the computer for almost 8 hours a day inbetween pick ups and drop offs and lunch and everything else.

anyway. today its been pretty much these songs:

The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin
Inevitable by Anberlin
and
Why by Secondhand Serenade

gotta go!

the weekend

the weekend got off to a pretty good start. we tried to see a movie, which fell off the reel. so we took our refund and rented movies for friday night instead. we watched...my best friends girl...i fell asleep, so that tells you something about it. it was a little funny in the beginning.

saturday we were supposed to go snowboarding, but we chickened out and went snow tubing instead, which was fun, but after like 6 or 7 times down the two biggest hills and one hour later we were done. we then proceeded to run over some sort of huge metal spike/hanger thing which punctured one of our tires. we made it home though, changed and went to get something to eat before our tattoo appoinment.

my tattoo turned out great and didnt hurt at all. (the above pic is crappy, i know but it is hard to take a pic of your own arm) i was prepared for it to hurt b/c of the sensitive and thin skin of the inside of the upper arm, but it was fine. relaxing even. Ken's were alot for expensive, and apparently the tricep hurts alot (?). we watched Zack and Miri make a Porno...ken fell asleep, and i stayed awake although i was thoroughly unimpressed. (sorry) Kevin Smith's earlier films were much better (Mallrats...Clerks) either that, or i was younger and dumber.

anyway, all in all, the weekend was nice, at least not having the kids for awhile. we finished it off with Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, which i liked. not enough to buy though.

currently listening to "Where Would You Like Them Left" Blaqk Audio. One of the first songs that grabbed me on the album...still lOvE LoVe lOvE it.

oh the excitement

my parents are taking the kids tonight and most of tomorrow. i cant remember when we last went out, it must be like going on 5 months ago now. thats pretty sad, but our lives dont really allow for frivolous (sp?) spending and we dont ask my parents to babysit very often, at least not all of them and not overnight. i have friends who 's parents take their kids like almost every weekend..i just find it kind of weird. i guess taking one is nothing compared to taking 4.

anyway.

"Push Away" ( think) by Versant...you'll have to find it on Myspace. Carrah, the vocalist is formerly of Shiny Toy Guns. I love their sound, and i dont normally gravitate towards female singers.

"This Boys in Love" by The Presets. I tried for awhile to avoid it, but now i own it.

"Epilogue" (Hardly a Day pt.1) by QED....i like this song, and one other called "Love Bites" byt them...the rest are too...i dont know.....clubby for me?

I am also listening to Assemblage 23's DEFIANCE album. I cant get enought of the music and sound. Tom Shear is a genius, and although i tend to stray from bands like VNV and Justice b/c of the bland (in my opinion) male vocals, Tom Shear is effective. I wish the lyrics were more emotional rather than politcal sometimes, like the song....Tragic Figure (LP version)...love those words.

So, anyway....tomorrow its tattoos and possible tubing and horse racing (which i was unsure of about anyway) might be cancelled. oh. well.

time stands still

words fail me at this exact moment. its not mine, although i wish it was.

from VHS or Beta's "Time Stands Still"

"i can't slow down or close my eyes

you want to know how this feels inside?

well take this blade and run it through your heart-

that's a pretty good head start"

until tomorrow

sleepy

ive been SO sleepy lately. i hate when that happens. you know that sleep that overtakes you, like literally pulls you under....i struggle to stay awake for awhile especially if i'm trying to watch something or do something important. like the other day, it was my husbands b-day and the sleep came and wiped me out. i still feel bad.

btw, the basement walls are freshly scrubbed..yay. magic erasers for everyone!!!

i'm thinking i will have to wait to get the original tattoo...so now i am trying to think of something small to get next saturday...and its not hard, i mean i have a bunch of small meaningul things i'd like to get permanently on my body. and im not worried about what i will look like when i am older...who gives a f$ck? really. i only have two tats so far. one is on my back, and i got it when i was 18....and the other is on my right ankle which i got in 2007. its time again!

Song:"We have explosive" The Future Sound of London....i totally forgot about this group.

its.still.snowing.

like snow if it doesnt inconveinence me. by the way i know i spelled that wrong.

The Crystal Method- Vegas. The whole album is my song of the day.

i'm going to scrub my basement walls. it needs to be done, desperately.

ALSO: The song CREEPS by THE REMOTE.

till tomorrow.

sad

i was watching a tv show on Logo yesterday about a group of gay activists who traveled around the country stopping at various christian universities to talk to students. it really affected me, just like the passing of prop 8 in 2008. the persecution that these people faced on their trip was sort of appalling to me, but then again not. i know what its like to not be liked simply for being who i am. i cant really imagine having to live my life in secret and in fear.

it actually makes me really angry. i mean people are people. who gives a damn what your sexual orientation is? a couple things that were said on the show really pissed me off. an administrator said something to the effect of (after not allowing the distribution of reading materials and pamphlets for the students) " its not about being homosexual, or heterosexual, its that we believe in the sanctity of marriage and sex to be only between a married man and his wife" (i put in quotes even though its not word for word). okay that statement RIGHT THERE is contradictory. and how could the kids at these schools ALLOW someone to dictate what they can and cannot READ!??!!??!!?!?!? fuck that.

someone also said "love the sinner, hate the sin"................which also affended me a little. i mean, how can you love someone and accept someone if you "HATE" them? seriously. i feel bad for all of the kids that are taught that their inherent nature is wrong. now, im on the fence on whether sexuality is something a person is born with (see, that gray area again....) or whether it is shaped by their life and experiences. i suspect it is a little of both. but imagine being hated for simply wanting to live an honest and fufilling life.

i have kids, and i am planning on being completely open with them on this issue, when the time comes. im not sure when the appropriate time is though. i mean, now? they are young. i want them to grow up honest and respectful people who can feel free enough to express themselves openly. i dont understand how people can disown their kids b/c they are gay/bi whatever. how could a person do that? a person's sexuality is just a small part of them. i mean, its not ALL a person is, and it seems like people treat gay people this way. as if they are only a sexual thing, and not someone with other facets. its all they can see. its sad to me that our country hasnt moved past this. separation of church and state? yeah right. anyway, thats my rant, and believe me, i could go on and on and on.

song: "Halo" by Depeche Mode, off Violator.

bleh

i love the above photo. its not mine, i take no credit for it. love the contrast and starkness of it.

i am pretty positive starkness is not a word.

im in a mood today. probably b/c i have to work, and i was sick yesterday.

listening to: Love is Gone (Fred Reister and Joachim Garraud Remix) Featuring Chris Willis by David Guetta. yeah, i know, long enough title. the vocals are pretty r&b for me, but the music and beats make up for that. its definately a club song....

blah blah blah blah...............................

randomness

1. on a person's 17th birthday, counting from their first breath in this world, to the minute seventeen years later, they will have lived for approx. 536,11200 seconds. i looked it up on the inet. its not taking in leap years and leap seconds though, so thats why i said approximately. (did you even know there was something known as leap seconds? i didnt)

2. here are 7 of my favorite words.
ABSOLUTE
EXQUISITE
INTRICATE
FILIGREE
DESCEND
TRANQUIL
ICICLE

3. I actually wore through a pair of shoes. i dont think ive ever done that in my adult life. they were/are my rocket dogs, and they were/ are the greatest things. its like wearing slippers. anyone who knows me, knows that i take off my shoes immediately after entering my house. i caught myself all the time waering them and realizing that i'd been wearing them all day.

4. song of the day "Start the Machine" By Angels and Airwaves. I'm been listening to their I-Empire album practically all day (this song is off the We Dont Need to Whisper album). I'm not too familiar with the I-Empire album yet, but this was one of my fav songs off the earlier album. anyway. i love how they us random noises in their music, and the fantasically visual and visceral lyrics.

just in case

what did i do today?

1. i got a bunch of cd from the library. you'd be surprised at how many cd's they have, and ones with profanity and other things one would fully expect to be banned from the library catalogue.

2. i wrote, and wrote and wrote.

3. i worked hard for a good 9.5 hours without a break. that i wont get paid for not taking.

thats about it. it was a boring day, although i did get my tickets in the mail.*YEAH*

a song? maybe later :)

i forgot something

is it weird that i have a fascination with androgyny?

b/c i dont have a problem with it, i am IN FACT fascinated (see above) with it.

Guys that look girls/girls that look like guys. Well, not that exactly. I like people who blur those lines, and i suppose that i can trace this back to when was about 15. I am going to say Boy George is the one that started it all for me. I plastered my wall with pictures of him, which was relatively hard to do, seeing as i was about 13 years too late to have any actual photos of him. I remember find old albums at the record exchange and devouring them. his tragic relationship with Jon just sucked me in. The denial and rejection of it all. I just couldnt make sense of it.

I always find these androgynistic (is that a word?) fascinating and sort of mysterious. I'm not sure why, but i do know that for me, things are never just black and white. I am a shades of gray kind of girl, and i always see every possible side to everything. it frustrates alot of people. its just me. So these people who walk that careful line between the genders are almost always enthrall me with thier beauty. I am not talking about transgendered or transexuals or whatever. That is a separate thing. Women who take on a slightly masculine quality, and men who embrace their femine side, thats what i am getting at here, but maybe thats not exactly the definition of androgny, but i dont care. Its not sexual, at least not at heart, not at its core. Maybe its the rejection of something that is considered natural, normal? These people who are not afraid to be themselves, they should be celebrated.

70095...or something

70095...thats how many words i have so far. Not me, personally, per say, because over the course of my life im sure i have uttered at LEAST 01075645342859707684635242122453645768797080808 words. But i have 70095 words of "When Stars Go Out", and there's the title...ive never said that to anyone. Ever. Moving on.

I have a follower. Its weird. Because who would want to read this? This is mainly for my own amusement, to somehow etch out my existence, to prove that i was here, thinking, doing, being.

I have written alot today, 13 pages, and the ideas a flowing from me. No wonder i couldnt sleep last night.

Song: (and I KNOW i am not a 14 year old emo chick, but i still like the song..)
Hey Monday "How you love me now". I like Cassadee's voice, its nice pure and even. This band will become the next Paramore (which i never got into) and probably drop from the scene in a year, but this song is fun to listen to, and to belt out over a wooden spoon while making dinner.
:P

2 things-

two extra special things.

Explosions In The Sky....an instrumental band. found them on itunes. its mindblowing really. and i usually need lyrics to make a meaningful connection with a song, a band, but they pull it off with just sound. you need your undivided attention to listen to "The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place."

City and Colour- like the voice, lyrics, and the acoustic-ness of it all. its easy to connect to. mellow meaningful music. Listen to "Sleeping Sickness" and "Waiting...".

When i find bands like these, it makes me think: where have they been my whole life? How have i lived each and everyday without this? Enough of the dramatics.

I just watched the first two winner's videos from the AFI BeginTransmission contest. Hearing the winners on the phone as Davey called them was pretty funny. I'm happy for them too, the whole experience is going to be life changing, epic even.

minus 23

-23. thats what the temperature was this morning. im pretty sure that HAS to be with the wind chill. my dog went an entire day without peeing. seriously. he went from like 12am friday morning to about 11am today.

here's some icicle pictures i took.

i havent had much time to listen to music today, alas, no song of the day yet.

tickets are mine!

yay! i just ordered my tix for Morrissey, they were presale, and not cheap (At least not to me) but what i can figure out, they are pretty good seats. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway. its freeeeeeeezing here today. school is cancelled :( and i have a meeting at work but its not bothering me right now.

song of the day: Iris: "Waves Crash in" (midnight sky mix).

itunes visualizer

somehow i have just figured out that there was a visualizer on itunes. i could watch it for hours in all it's crazy color-goodness.

the possibility of getting Morrissey tickets is looking up. i found a babysitter and tickets arent even on sale yet, which means i can hopefully get good seats if i get on ticketmaster early enough.

i had my hair dyed back to my supposed original color yesterday. i originally wanted to go red, like a auburn red, but it was too drastic. so i had her take all the the blonde out, which i am SO happy with. the result is a bronzeish brown color. i like it, even if no one else does. :P

SOng of the DaY: goin back to my hard house/happy hardcore years....."Cuz the house gets warm" by UK Gold, off the Keep it tidy 2 CD. LOVE THIS.

all right then.

twenty pages later and chapter six is complete at 25, which brings the total to 149. its skin and bones really, but i'm moving on for now.

ive been wanting another tattoo, for like....a year and a half. i think i finally have the lyrics and image in my head. yay.

does this remind you of anyone? :P. DxH with the new hair. Coincidence, i think not.

bring on the comets

ive been obsessed with VHS or Beta for the last 3 days. I happened upon their Bring on the Comets Album, and it was revival. I had the Night on Fire album 2 years ago or something. I regret saying that the singer's voice sounds like Robert Smith. It does in a way, but after listening to it non stop, it sounds so very different.

There is snow. There is the prospect of seeing Morrissey in concert. I feel like i should go. The chance to see him for the first time would be like seeing NIN for the first time or something. Could it be considered a disservice to myself if i dont go? I am contemplating this fact, and am planning on using it as leverage.

I have ideas that are almost shapeless, i have an outline for this writing, but i am having problems with this certain chapter. Hopefully i can really gain some hold over it again, be inspired to be true to the story i was originally trying to tell.

go

seriously. why are you not listening to my song of the day. ive listened to it- *like*- 14 times already.

vhs or beta?

no, its not 1986.

its the song of the day!

vhs or beta: "Can't Believe a Single Word"

Jump. jump. in. your. seat. it. will. make. you. move.

The Muse is baaaaaccckkkk. sortof. i got like 4 pages out yesterday. I also shopped Threadless today, which makes me happy. i recieved shoes from zappos yesterday, they are too big :(. i am going to hibachi tonight. yum. :P.

sorry for the excessive use of .'s and emoticons. im in a good mood.

............

innerpartysystem is coming. i really need to see a show. the last show i went to was the cure in june. how sad is that?

heres a list of my top 10 songs in my itunes that are the most frequently played:

rabbits are roadkill on rt 37-afi
i'm not dreaming of you-de/vision
structure-innerpartysystem
maybe someday -the cure
youre not alone-saosin
synesthesia-afi
the perfect boy-the cure
turned to real life-shiny toy guns
what we will never know-ips
out of this world-the cure

now, you must know that these are the top played b/c occasionally i will get the urge to listen to a song over and over if it provokes a certain feeling, or inspiration to me in my writing. so yeah. there you go.

darkness turned to light

so i do have a new years resolution this year. i cant remember if i had one last year, but anyways. wait i have 2. first is to finish the thing i am writing. just to finish it. im 120 pages in and have taken a break due to all the necessary holiday stuff, but now i am trying to get back into the groove. im searching for inspiration through music, art and photography and compiling it. okay, the second thing i want it people who understand me. okay that sounds a little juvenile and angsty, but it is true. everyone needs and wants friends that understand them. right now i feel like i have no one. the things that are important to me on a daily basis just are not relevant for other people. i feel like people see me, but dont really SEE me, you know? and that sucks. or maybe its just that no one cares to actually take the time. im pretty sure my husband tolerates it, like he will listen to me go on and on about things, pictures, a random commercial, a lengthy and detailed dream, an intricate story of something that happened years ago. he listens, but it doesnt matter to him, and thats not his fault. he's just not like me, but that is one of the things i love about him. so i want actual connections with people, not just insignificant exchanges, simple and fleeting words that mean nothing.

song of the day, since i am in a sort of a mo0d:

Lifehouse: "Storm"